We all have family patterns, and it is very easy for us to blame our parents, our childhood, or our environment for the present condition of our lives. If we grew up in a family where criticism was the norm, then we are going to be critical as adults. If we grew up in a family where we were not allowed to express our anger, then we are probably terrified of anger and confrontation, and we swallow it and let it reside in our body. If we were raised in a family where everybody was manipulated by guilt, then we are probably going to be the same way as adults. We probably run around saying “I’m sorry” all the time, and can never ask for anything outright. We feel we have to be manipulative in some way in order to get what we want.

As we grow up, we begin to live these false ideas and lose touch with our inner wisdom. We need to realize that we can go beyond our family’s limitations. We are the ones who suffer when we hold on to past grievances. We give the situations and the people in our lives power over us, and these same situations and people keep us mentally enslaved. They continue to control us when we stay stuck in “unforgiveness.” We need to let go of the beliefs that hurt us. This allows us to be free from the needless cycle of pain, anger and recrimination that keeps us imprisoned in our own suffering and prevents us from creating positive, affirming relationships with ourselves and others.

If we want to be accepted as we are, we have to be willing to accept others as they are. We always want to have our parents accept us totally, and yet often we are not willing to accept them as they are. Acceptance is giving ourselves and the others the ability to just be. It is arrogant to set standards for others. We can only set standards for ourselves. And even then, we want them to be more like guidelines than standards. The more we can practice self-acceptance, the easier it is to drop habits that no longer serve us. It is easy for us to grow and change in an atmosphere of love. We must strive to love others, to forgive their past behaviors, and in order to do this, we must first learn to love and forgive ourselves.

The following letter relates to the topic of family relationships:

Dear Louise,

I am a 35-year-old woman who has lived away from my parents for seven years now. I find that when I go home, I almost always revert to a child who is unable to take care of herself. When I am with my parents, I can’t imagine how I can pay my rent, go to work every day, and so on. It creates a fear of returning to my current home, making me question my abilities and self-worth.

Of course, when I do come home, it is no problem to pick up my responsibilities and continue on with my life as always. The problem is that I find myself dreading visiting my childhood home, which troubles me because my parents are getting on in years, and I want to be able to spend as much time with them as I can. Any words of wisdom that may ease my anxiety about going home?

Dear One,

What you are really asking me is: “How can I grow up?” Having lived with your parents for so long, there is a part of you that probably still enjoys being treated as a child and being taken care of. When you go to your childhood home for a visit now, you may feel that strong pull once again to have the carefree life of a little girl.

However, you were strong enough to leave home after 28 years of comfortable security, and you created a life of work and responsibility for yourself. I know you are now strong enough to reprogram your mind when you visit your parents’ home. Instead of fear and anxiety about losing your independence, change those thoughts into love for your aging parents. A good affirmation for you could be:

I am now a complete, secure, independent adult, fully capable of taking care of myself and sharing my love and strength with my parents.

Love,

Louise