I spent my 20s and much of my 30s chasing money and women. I was very good at both. There was just one problem with this: I wasn’t satisfied in my relationships. Every woman I decided to date was a carbon copy of the last one—and the last one wasn’t very good. Why? Because I didn’t learn the lesson the very first time and had to reconnect with the exact same person in a different body over and over again until I finally figured it out.

I used to look at meeting women as a game. To me it was a blast to be able to chase them, convince them that I was fantastic, and get a phone number. I always thought that the phone number was the conquest—the payoff. I really didn’t understand the importance of self-love and creating the most powerful version of me.

Dating is really all about growing. Every person you meet is someone you get to know for a certain amount of time. During that period, you have a unique opportunity to learn more about yourself and what you want—in life and in a partner. Even if you’ve gone on 50 first dates and never been on a second one with the same person, you should just look at this as growth, where you can learn something about who you are while being in the company of another individual.

Have you ever had a relationship based on need? (Hasn’t everybody had at least one or two?) For example, you’re sick of being single, so you find the best possible person at that time to be with, even though you know he or she isn’t right for you. At one point in my life I seriously considered marriage just because all my friends were getting married. Although I owned a bar in New York City—where there were plenty of women to chase—I was growing up, and I no longer wanted to be that guy chasing women every single weekend.

Sure enough, a good friend of mine decided that she’d fallen in love with me. So what did I do? I made it work. We broke up after three months, and things should have stayed that way. But I continued to pursue her, and we got back together and had a three-year relationship. She was a wonderful person, but we were honestly never aligned sexually or emotionally. We weren’t even that great as lovers. We were just good friends, and it took three years for me to realize that.

During this process, though, I grew a lot. I realized that I have a high desire for passion and intimacy, and I need to be with somebody who has this same longing. And I accepted the relationship for what it was: a great, fantastic experience where I learned a lot about myself, as well as being close with another person. Dating is for growing, but getting to know yourself is the key.

When you enter any relationship, you need to get to know yourself so you don’t repeat the same mistakes you made in your previous ones. However, it took me a while to figure that out. I would go out and chase women night after night, which continually yielded the same unfulfilling result. But here’s a secret: when you’re chasing a potential mate, you’re not attracting a potential mate. Chasing is based on a need—a desire to be with somebody. Attraction, on the other hand, is rooted in the knowledge that there are plenty of people out there who are already attracted to you—you just haven’t met them yet.